15.8.03
my right eye feels as if someone landed a punch on it. hurts like how a blue-black would. my right eyelid almost covered the entire eye this morning. freaked out when i saw it in the mirror. one huge swollen thing. eekx.
just when we wanted to leave, the rain rose to a heavy downpour. before that, it was pretty light...how coincidental. the rain loves us! the brolly has come in useful for the past three days? hmmz...
all alone at home. it's a wonderful isolated feeling.
think fish is in sch. daph says that fish is very nice. when i commented on how this person on the bus was cute, she said, "fish is better". was like "what?!" fish is obviously NOT better in terms of looks. then she went on to say, "cut off fish's head and body"....and i was thinking, "then what's left?" and she said, "the soul". what a thing coming from daph. the soul. woohoo. seems like fish has touched the lives of more than one, right yash? heh. ;)
im drifting off to sleep. not sleep actually. more like drifting to unconsciousness. it feels like my heart is going to stop while my brain continues working and working...solving mathematics problems, writing essays blah blah.
i want my handphone. but it's not with me. there are times when i realli wanna stick to the phone and times when i totally abandon it. funny eh? just feel like fiddling with it. perhaps it was cos of last night...thks to kenneth. he gave me this realli nice warm comfortable feeling. i must admit that guys are not jerks all the time. they are the onli beings who are able to provide a certain something that others are unable to give.
gotta study. gotta study. gotta study. so many things to do and so little time.
den* stepped on your garbage at
it suddenly struck me that the sunflowers doro and vidhya gave me resemble those in the pic on the left column! :)
den* stepped on your garbage at
thank you so much. i wanna say i love you but i dont know how. there's an inexplicable feeling. im learning what the suffocation feels like. ive experienced them myself. seriously, i've learnt to feel a new emotion. it's really something i've never felt before. at last...im learning again. life is all about learning isnt it? you were brave my dear. and im really sorry in a way. the least you could do to make me feel better is to promise me that u'll stop blaming yourself. and take good care. i cherished all the times we had and i always will. friends always~ smile k? :)
den* stepped on your garbage at
14.8.03
a couple of years ago, i used to have this piano teacher who thought i lacked the ability to feel. but little did she think that the reason why i refused to play well, with emotions and adding dynamics etc, was that i felt restricted with her around. in the very first place, i didnt feel comfortable with her. i didnt like her and vice versa. in other words, our relationship was pretty much strained. music comes naturally, not under forced circumstances. i dreaded and feared each lesson. i was afraid of her. i thought i could play it hard, i thought of means and ways to get back at her, of cos using not-so-vicious methods. eventually, she gave me the piece "beauty and the beast" to play. she said sth like this, "i think you should play more disney songs" - her indirect way of saying i made marked improvement in my playing. not long after things started getting better, she had to leave the music school. somehow her departure felt realli bitter. i made her a card and she gave me a bookmark. piano was no longer so much a disaster after i changed my teacher. i dont know why im saying all these actually. perhaps i just wanna put across a point. i've always felt and have been rather emotional, if not, absolutely emotional, whatever, okay, im at a total loss now, i dont know what the hell im talking abt. daph told me not to be so emotional...is that meant to be comforting advice?
den* stepped on your garbage at
13.8.03
heyhey...seems like every blog entry these couple of days has been written rather hastily and it's always done in such a great rush. guess time is really running short. the luxury of time i used to allocate for blogging [it used to be one full hour] has been reduced to a pathetic 5 minutes. 32 days to prelims if im not wrong...
every single teacher is thinking that his or her subject seems to be the only subject we're taking for the Os. it is so dead ridiculous. they expect us to revise and revise for their subject. like hello, there are 7 more subs to go other than yours? getting a bit too demanding i guess. and abt the petition, i have come to a conclusive stand. i'll go about it based on my principles and what i feel strongly about. i still think it's a bad idea to start a petition. it's a little too harsh. or maybe im too soft-hearted. urgh.
the long-awaited reward has finally arrived. that is what i call euphoria. i am so so relieved. i have been tearing so much for the past few days. idiotic...
received a card from vivian with a gorgeous striped handphone pouch in the envelope along with it. ohmygoodness..it's so lovely. ive been longing for one of that type and just refused to spend the money on myself. now someone has gotten my wish fulfilled! and guess what? the colour of the pouch....pink, orange, red....all my favourites!!!! how did she figure that out? haha. just a coincidence i suppose. thks so much viv, i love it. =) yays!
gtg. time's up. take care my friends.
den* stepped on your garbage at
12.8.03
to think i told the examiners something i never talked about to anyone about. it's sth tucked in the darkest recesses of me and i never ever voiced them out before. then the sudden outburst, and release. the pressure must be kinda immense, just that i never consciously realised. now, why did i have to take such a risk during the most important English Oral O-levels? so great. embarrassed myself totally. screwed. one of the examiners was pretty nice though. i like what she said. looks are deceiving. i thot she was fierce initially...
"when were you at the losing end in a game?"
"i think that life itself is a game. there are peaks and bouts. i myself have experienced several loses.........blah blah blah....all the crap abt primary sch setbacks...*breakdown*...[try to brace myself but end up sobbing instead]...blah blah blah...i aspire to be a psychologist but my parents arent too supportive about that. that's one setback ive experienced recently....blah blah blah...."
"i think you'll be successful in whatever you do next time. and it's something quite long ago to cry about" [she gives me a warm smile]
"thank you" [dabs cheek and scurries away quickly. forgets all about saying thank you to each examiner individually]
i think lion knows. not that i realli care but oh well...that was pretty fast for her to take notice. guess my skills in 'camouflaging' are getting from bad to worse. aiks. and the grasshoppers have nicks for us. how i hate this. i've always thought that having nicks for others was pretty fine, but didnt realise how bad it was to have others having nicks for us. nvm, i guess their nicks cant be any worse than ours. haha.
it was wonderful playing the piano at the miniforum. and darling daphne actually teared. hahaha..yay! ah...but my ultimate aim was to make dearie cry, not daphne. hehe. but nonetheless, i kinda succeeded! ;) just that she teared not for the sake of US!! okay, fine, i'll not be jealous over such petty stuff. mmmz....and hey, i'll really play that song again on 17 Oct k? heh. really. must make your oh-so-thick wall aka barrier disintegrate. heh.
looks like the attachment is growing back once again...where it once belonged. dreadful or not, i dont care. im not going to bother abt what others think, i have the right to do what i feel...im not going to allow other factors to restrict me. you probably wont know it, but hey, i cant shake it off ya? cant shake you off my thoughts. [that's precisely why im blogging while im studying QA halfway thru...becos im distracted...your face is obstructing the information from entering my brain.]
den* stepped on your garbage at
10.8.03
blogger's kinda screwed.....but anyway, haf been away for a couple of days...away from blogging and tying out my feelings and daily activities blah blah blah. im kinda sinking away from my emotions. it's a kinda psychological phenomenen that i cant describe....im detaching myself. ah..that's the word. to detach. blogging doesnt hold much significance now, because i dont haf anything much to say, it isnt an outlet that i so desperately require to vent my frustration and whatever nonsense. i can even quit blogging now but it's kinda become a habit, so i dont think i would.
okay, sis is damn irritatable and so am i. the whole world is actually. u get on my nerves and i get on yours. just get lost.
ive been thinking a lot abt you. there're so many things that didnt occur to me. i thot you'd forgotten but no, you havent. then i think again, maybe it's the same with everyone else, there's nth special abt it. but i cant help it. i keep thinking and thinking. i reminisce [suddenly i forgot how to spell this word, but heck] and i daydream. fine, it's surreal. it's all over. but i dont know...i feel it all coming back. a ressurection of some sort. i feel that you're back. somehow. it's as if for one particular phase, your soul flew away and i never felt your presence. now it's back, i feel it, it's the same warm, comforting feeling. i think i miss you....i think so. i dont know la. idiot.
am feeling so stressed up and it's the result of a couple of factors. -dark clouds.overcast-
den* stepped on your garbage at